To understand the relationship I had with Jay, I think you need to know a little background information. For instance, according to Jay, he fell for me the very first time he ever talked to me, which at this point was almost 2 years ago. In fact, even though I swear he's the catch, he's been chasing me this entire time. And I have totally taken advantage of it. I always knew that no matter how much I messed up, or pushed him away, or even if I broke up with him, he'd always take me back. So even though I love him, I push.
Fast forward to now.
Last night I got into a slight disagreement with Jay. Basically, he tried to talk me into giving us a chance no matter how hard it is. I got upset and sarcastic and said something he didn't appreciate. And now I think that I've really pushed too far. This time I don't know that he will forgive me. This time I don't think that I love you is enough.
The one good thing to come out of this? While lying awake last night, all I could think about is how depressed I've been since he moved away. I work and I sleep and sometimes my friends can drag me out of the house, but usually I have to be bribed with food and even then I'm sure I'm cranky more often than not. My apartment is in shambles. Seriously, I don't think I've washed the dishes in MONTHS! As you may have read in a previous post, it got to the point where I missed Jay so much that I would curl into a ball on the couch and cry my face off anytime I actually heard from him.
The crying outbursts were a huge reason that I needed to break up with him. What's the point of being in love and being in a relationship with someone you love if it makes you feel like that? But upon reflection, I can't blame Jay for this. Like he says, it could be worse, we're both alive and we'll be together someday. Said. Like he said. Oye. I've realized that I can't be happy with someone else if I'm not happy with me. So now I am kicking myself in the ass! I just got off an overnight and I'm back to the Nursing Home for another shift at 4:30pm but I am washing my damn dishes! I am going to put away all my clothes! I am changing the litter box! Even if Jay refuses to forgive me again, I am not living this life of couch to work to couch any longer! ENOUGH IS EFFIN ENOUGH! THIS IS MY LIFE!