As I've sort of been documenting recently, I've been on a soul searching expedition. I am trying to find a way to be happy with my life and decide if that can translate into being happy in a long distance relationship with Jay. This has required me to set aside my love for him, and think seriously about the areas of the relationship that depress me so much. I've had a lot of help from Elizabeth Gilbert! Not personally, but through her book, "Eat Pray Love". The way she described her relationship with David really struck a chord with me. It was SO similar to the things I've been going through with Jay. In her book, David jokingly suggests the following solution:
"What if we just acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we stuck it out, anyway? What if we admitted that we make each other nuts, we fight constantly and hardly ever have sex, but we can't live without each other, so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together - in misery, but happy to not be apart."
Aside from the specifics being a little off, this is what my relationship with Jay has come to. So tonight we had a rational and reasonable talk about it. We talked about the things we needed from this relationship to make it work while we're forced to be apart. It ended up that what he wanted was something that I realized depressed me about our arrangement and what I wanted (to hug him) wasn't possible.
Jay: You want things that can't happen...
Me: You want things that won't happen.
It turns out that it was a deal breaker for him. (Side note: When my best friend Ay is worried about something her guy has done, I say "Is it a deal breaker?" And when she tells me it isn't, I tell her to not worry about it.) So I'm respecting his request that this all just stops so that he can try to move on. And honestly, I'm alright with that. Neither of us has to put up with something that doesn't make us 100% satisfied with our relationship and we did it without fighting. :)
This is my life.