I just put an old lady's maxi pad through the wash and all I can think is this is my life...

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Hide and Go Seek Poop & Other Potty Tales.

Due to the nature of my two jobs (residential support worker for the elderly and adults with special needs), I deal with an excessive amount of human excrement. By now I'm used to it and can talk about it in great detail while eating, without a single gag. Occasionally it leads to highly disgusting (or humourous) stories that get shared with coworkers who are always trying to outdo you with their bathroom humour. Here are a few of mine, off the top of my head...

HIDE AND GO SEEK POOP...
Last night at work I was making the rounds, attempting to disinfect all of the bathrooms. It's fairly common on these rounds to come across toilets that haven't been flushed as well as toilet seats that caught more of the flow than the bowls did. On this trip, I came across some floating feces. Usually this wouldn't make for much of a story except this piece of feces was the length and width of a ferret and the damn thing WOULD. NOT. FLUSH. Every time I would flush it, it would disappear and just before I could turn away, it would pop it's stinky little head back out the hole. I seriously had to play hide and go seek with a piece of feces for ten minutes! Flushed it once, and it came back. Flushed it twice, and it popped out again. Flushed it a third time... and I got out of there before it could come visit again. I hope for the sake of the next person coming on shift that it stayed down, but knowing that crazy poop, it'll be back to play games again.

THE ANATOMY OF A COLOSTOMY BAG...
This doozy comes from the Nursing Home. Now, I'm not sure how many of you know what a colostomy bag is, so if after reading this story you're still a little confused, just promise me you won't try to Google it. Anyways, one night at the Nursing Home I came in for an overnight shift and was told we had a new admission. The trouble with new admissions and O/N's is that they're usually asleep by the time I come in and have to surprise them with introductions in the morning. This time i wasn't so lucky. Before the coworker I was relieving left, she told me to be warned that the woman had both a catheter and a colstomy bag that I may need to empty periodically during the night. I was also warned that she was given a bell to ring if she needed help with anything. For the record, let me note that before this occasion, I had never changed a catheter and had never even seen a colostomy bag let alone know how to change either. Cut to 3am when the dreaded bell starts to ring. I run into the woman's room to see how I can be of service. She informs me that she feels a little damp and could I please wipe her crotch area with a warm cloth. Sure, no problem. When I was done, almost as an after thought, I offered to check her colostomy bag to see if it needed to be drained. Honestly, at this point I think it was 3am, I had a bad case of the tired humour sillies and I was curious to see what a colostomy bag looked like. BIG mistake. Upon lifting up her nightgown, I realized the real cause of her "dampness". Her colostomy bag had EXPLODED and liquid feces was EVERYWHERE!!!! This is one of those Ohhhhh SHIT moments when I tend to stare slack jawed into space for 15 or 20 seconds before I clue into the fact that I'm the only one there so I'd better do something about it. Somehow, with the help of almost an entire container of baby wipes and a half a roll of hospital tape, I cleaned the mess and fixed the "leak". Of course, the next day they finally gave me a colostomy bag tutorial. Better late than never?!?

... this is my life.

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